Henry’s Music Blog

Currently, Kanye West is one of the biggest stars on the planet. And he has every right to be, what with his last album being one of the greatest albums ever made. But then he had to make others famous. So, like Lil Wayne, he made his own label, G.O.O.D. Music. But don’t let the name be a full indicator. While there is talent on board, like Kid Cudi and Common, there are others that seem to be there by sheer chance. Enter Big Sean. While being around since 2008, Big Sean didn’t receive much attention until 2011, where Finally Famous was released, along with three hit singles at the moment. First was “My Last”, which was boring, but not exactly bad in the strictest sense. Then there was “Marvin and Chardonnay”, which was just bizarre, with an instrumental composed of windshield wipers and trumpet stabs. But then, likely his most remembered song in the future was released. And its name was “Ass.”
”Ass.”
You can already tell what’s wrong with this. So today, we’re looking at “Ass”.

“Ass” x oh for the love of god.

Yep. That’s the chorus. I am not surprised. The songs name is “Ass.” I expected the chorus to be ass. But what gets me is how often he repeats the word ass. I haven’t counted, because I’d need a lyric sheet to count the repetitions, and if I had the word ass so often on my computer, it would look like text porn. And it just routinely beats into your head, until you go numb. It’s unbearable.

“Stop.”

Thank you.

“Now make that motherfucker hammer time.”

Oh dear god no.

(chanting sampled from “U Can’t Touch This”)

OK. First, why are you sampling a sample. That seems a bit redundant. Second, why is this referencing an old-school song, and features a tribute to “The Fresh Prince” in the video, when the song is decidedly modern? And finally, why isn’t this sampling “Baby Got Back”?

“Wobbledy wobbledy wop, wobble wobble”

Really? A reference to a Lil Wayne song? Why? It has no purpose in the song, and it’s the start of the first verse. Show us at least a small bit of creativity.

“I’m st-stacking my paper my wallet look like a bible.”

Maybe you should invest in a bank account. If you have enough money in your wallet, it would only be a hindrance. You can’t even put it in your pocket. It’s like a phone made of solid gold. And judging by your probable longevity, I’m assuming those are ones.

“I got girlies half naked that shit look like the grotto.”



You shouldn’t compare women to a cave that is located near water. They tend to frown at those types of comparisons.



“How your waist anorexic and then your ass is colossal”



I’m wondering this as well. Anorexic girls tend to be sickly thin everywhere, and it’s typically not sexy. I wouldn’t recommend calling a girl anorexic. They might have worked hard for that figure. They don’t want to be compared to people suffering from life threatening illnesses.



”Drop that ass make it boomerang”



Asses do not resemble boomerangs, nor are they used like boomerangs. You need to make your punchlines work in a coherent piece of thought, and not just a stupid afterthought. For example, saying “Drop that ass, like a basketball” makes more sense, as in your preferred size in this scenario, you would prefer a high amount of booty bounce.



“Take my belt off bitch I’m Pootie Tang.”



Dude, cut down on the forceful tone. We don’t need any more artists on the radio who sound like rapists.



”Tippy tow tippy tay you gonna get a tip today.”



I’m assuming by tip, he’s talking about his penis. Otherwise, it’s weird to have a song meant primarily for waitresses.



”Fuck that you gonna get some dick today.”



I hate being right.



“I walk in with my crew and I’m breaking they necks.”



Wait. What? why would you assault your own crew? Besides, it’s hard to hide bodies of an entire crew. Believe me, I should know. Really, this just inconveniences you. Even if you did this for a higher percentage of ass, I doubt you could handle all of it if you brought a crew.



”I’m looking all good I’m making her wet.”



Oh good, a line that actually makes sense. Though it’s still stupid.



”They pay me respect they pay me in checks.”



You can’t pay someone in respect, and you need an account for checks, which as I already said, you probably don’t have.



“And if she look good she pay me in sex.”



I’m pretty sure this isn’t a legal form of pay. At least not here.



”Bounce that ass, it’s the roundest.”



We get it. ASS ASS ASS ASS ASS ASS ASS ASS ASS ASS. I’m tired of ass. This song is ass.



“You the best you deserve a crown bitch.”



Well you aren’t the one to give her. Because in no way are you the king of rap.



“Right on that,”



OH GOD NO



“Ass” x bleeding ears



All I hear now is ass. All I see is ass. Luckily, I don’t taste ass.



Well now, it’s Nicki Minaj’s verse. I like Nicki, but she is getting tedious now. But who knows, she might improve the song.



”Wobbledy wobble, wo-wo-wobble, wobbin’.”



Or not.



”Ass so fat, all these bitches’ pussies is throbbing.”



EW BAD THOUGHT BAD THOUGHT BAD THOUGHT BAD THOUGHT BAD THOUGHT BAD THOUGHT BAD THOUGHT



”Bad bitches, I’m your leader, Phantom by the meter.”



I’m not up on my slang, but I doubt this makes sense to anyone on Earth.



”Somebody point me to the best ass-eater.”



This song eats a lot of ass, maybe you should ask it for this task.



“Tell him “Pussy clean!” I tell them “Pussy squeaky!”



One, vaginas should not squeak. Otherwise, I’m sorry, but they’re windshield wipers. Two, why would you tell anyone this?



”Niggas give me brain ‘cause all of them niggas geeky.”



Is giving someone brain where you slam your forehead against someone’s crotch? Because that sounds hilarious.



”If he got a mandingo, then I buy him a dashiki.”



Why would you buy a man a colorful garment? You don’t usually give gifts for sex. Unless they’re a festive prostitute.



”And bust this pussy open in the islands of Waikikiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii.”



You know, a long note can work. But Nicki Minaj is not Mariah Carey. You should only be a professional singer if you want a note that long.



”Kiss my ass and my anus, ‘cause it’s finally famous.”



You know, I thought we finally moved on from ass, but no. Now we also have the anus. This song is grossing me out. The anus is not an attractive part of the body. Unless you’re Jeffery Dahmner. In which case, please stop reading this.



”And it’s finally soft, yeah, it’s finally solved!”



What’s been solved? Is your ass the holder of the ark of the covenant? Because you should start rapping about that. That would be awesome.



”I don’t know, man, guess them ass shots were off!”



What shots, were people taking pictures? Or was the rest of Young Money drinking off it? Speaking of which, why are you on this song? Go back to Lil Wayne’s album. He desperately needs you.



”Bitches ain’t poppin’, Google, my ass.”



Did you know that if you look up Nicki Minaj’s ass on Google, it gives you a link to 25 pictures? Well you do now.



“Only time you on the net is when you Google my ass.”



No, I use it for more productive things, like insulting a song because I feel insecure about my own skill.



“Y-y-you fuckin’ little whores, fu-fuckin’ up my decors.”



And now she is simply yelling at the audience. What a likable artist.



”Couldn’t get Michael Kors if you was fuckin’ Michael Kors.”



He’s gay.



”B-B-Big Sean, b-boy, how big is you?”



This is not the time to ask.



”Gimme all yo’ money and gimme all yo’ residuals”



Wow. Most gold diggers aren’t that up front. At least she’s honest.



“Then slap it on my ass.”



OH NOT AGAIN



“Ass Ass Ass” x do you even care?



I want to hit things with other things.



“Woah, white girls, black girls, tall girls, fat girls.”



Yep, those are types of women that you are naming. And more specifically, they are women with more than ass.



”Shake that ass” x 6

ASSASSASSASSASSASSASSASSASSASSASSASSASSASSASSASSASSASSASSASSASSASS ASSASSASSASSASSASSASSASSASSASSASSASSASSASSASSASSASSASSASSASSASSASS ASSASSASSASSASSASSASSASSASSASSASSASSASSASSASSASSASSASSASSASSASSASS ASSASSASSASSASSASSASSASSASSASSASSASSASSASSASSASSASSASSASSASSASSASS



”And I want of all of that.”



Sing it with me!



“Ass” x I’ve gone cross-eyed



This song is awful. I hate this. I never want to hear the word ass again. This actually drags down the rest of G.O.O.D. music. This is this year’s “Tonight (I’m Fucking You)”, a song that got on the radio, while Cee-Lo had to wait for a year.



Score: F