Henry’s Music Blog

Well, it’s the day after Valentines, and you know what that means. Actually, you don’t since I just made it up, but every Valentines week, I review a love song, old or new. And I decided I’d start it off with one of the most well known love songs ever, and one of the biggest sellouts ever. Today, we’re reviewing “Alone”, by Heart.

Let’s talk about Heart for a second. Back in the 70s, they were one of the biggest bands in the world, not only for kicking quite a lot of ass, but also being led by two sisters in a genre dominated by males. Back then, their two biggest hits were “Crazy on You” and “Barracuda”, two extremely awesome songs, especially the latter, for being written at a time when record executives were advertising them as lesbian lovers. And it became one of their biggest hits. As you can see, these ladies had ovaries of steel. But that just ended up falling apart in the 80s, which did ruin every other established artist. Instead of ass-kicking Rock ‘n’ Roll, all they did were the sappiest love ballads you could imagine. But with “Alone” being their biggest hit, that’s what I’m doing. So, let’s start the review.

We start off with a piano riff, and to me, the first problem with the song. This piano is just grating. Besides a squishy noise behind the actual track, the piano sounds like it’s out of a period movie. I can see this playing over a scene in Hugo, most likely in a scene involving making a clock. This opening literally sounds like it’s counting until the end of the song.

“I hear the ticking of the clock, I’m lying here, the rooms pitch dark”

Well, I guess the piano sounding like a clock was actually on purpose, but secondly, this just shows how derivative Heart became in the 80s. This song is literally just “Total Eclipse of the Heart”. That’s all it is. And without Jim Steinman producing, we lose all the awesomeness of Bonnie Tyler. There’s even the faux-opera voice, trying desperately to grab your heartstrings.

“I wonder where you are tonight, no answer on the telephone”

And that’s another thing,  also involving the last line. This song is about a woman waiting at home for her man, who won’t respond to her. Here’s an idea. Well actually, two. One, find something else to do while you wait for this man. If you’re in a pitch-dark room waiting for him, find something else to do. Read a book, watch TV, make interesting music, anything. If, as this song indicates, you can’t do anything without this man, that suggests that your life resolves around him. Which is not a good lesson to teach women, who are often stereotyped as the only audience for Heart. Second, if you are freaking out because your love isn’t answering at the moment, you’re overreacting. People have lives outside of relationships. Let them live it.

“And the night goes by so very slow, oh I hope that it won’t end though, alone”

As I said before, this situation is entirely the singers fault. If you are waiting for this man to come to you, you need to find something else to past the time.

“Till now, I always got by on my own”

Ok, this is when the song starts actually rocking a small bit, but the lyrics just got so much worse. This man is so great, that he changes you from the strong woman you were before, from your previous songs, to your typical damsel in distress, who just can’t live without her man? Jesus christ.

“I never really cared until I met you”

I had a feeling about this song after seeing the lyrics, and I checked on wikipedia to see who wrote this. Guess what? Both writers were male. They were the writing team of Billy Steinberg and Tom Kelly. So I decided to look at other songs that had written. And every single one of their biggest hits are about how great men are, performed by women. Let me give a short list:

    ▪    I Touch Myself - Devinyls
    ▪    Like a Virgin - Madonna
    ▪    In Your Room - Bangles
    ▪    Eternal Flame - Bangles

Yeah, what I’m saying his all these guys did was write songs about women needing men. And you know, I wouldn’t mind these lyrics, if they were WRITTEN BY WOMEN. If a woman says that she needs a man, it’s fine as long as the writer is talking about their own gender. But if a man writes this, that just makes it a misogynistic train wreck. Fuck these guys.

“And now it chills me to the bone”

You know what, after reading what I just read, I am too.

“How do I get you alone”

I’m sorry, I just can’t write anymore. This song just offends me on a level I have never seen before. I have never seen a song as manipulative, as offensive, as just damned WRONG as I have here. This song is a catastrophe on every single level of music. Its sound is bad, its lyrics are bad, its message is absolutely abysmal, and most of all, its history is bad. This is the only time a song has ever so thoroughly destroyed my opinion of an artist. I can’t listen to another Heart song ever again in my life. If this had any other form of lyrics, I wouldn’t mind as much, I would give the melody a C. But with this kind of baggage, I can’t in any right state of mind give this song anything. Fuck this song.

Score: F